Living with Less Series #2 - Detoxing Your Relationships

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"You can't change a person".

We've all heard this expression. Heck, I've probably heard it 100x in my life but it was only a couple years ago when I really started to understand the truth behind the phrase, thanks to one specific person.

I am of course referring to my infamous ex-boyfriend, a.k.a. the life lesson. Since I mention him so often, let's make things simple and call him Francis.*

I remember being open minded and accepting during the pre-dating phase. However as soon as we had the label "boyfriend/girlfriend" I changed. Since we were official, I thought I could relax a little and be me - and me wanted Francis to change. 

I wanted to change the way he dressed. I wanted to change his home and wished he would be cleaner and tidier. I'd criticize his diet, and how he'd spend his time. I wanted him to be more attentive, and care more. In this instance, I was in the wrong for trying to make him something he's not, regardless of how nicely I asked, if my intentions were good, or if it was something I deserved.

If he indeed did all those things I wanted, and was all those things - he wouldn't be Francis. He'd be someone else. (Cue the ah ha moment in my life.)

You can't change a person. 

If you don't like a person/their behaviour/their lifestyle etc., you have two choices.

A) You can accept them as they are, or change your reaction and attitude towards them.
B) You can move on or cut them off.

In regards to my situation with Francis (and with any relationship, really) it's important to ask yourself why you want someone to change in the first place. Is it truly for their benefit, or for yours?

Are they doing something that's harmful or unkind? Could there be any miscommunication between you? Does this person add value or happiness to my life?

More than often, lack of communication, lack of contribution, and lack of listening is what creates a toxic relationship. Relationships should be give and take, each person working towards the same goal. If communication, listening and respect aren't in a relationship, it's not likely to be healthy and successful.

However let's state something important here about the latter - some people are just toxic and need to be cut off. 

Toxic people are the ones that leave you feeling drained, lonely, insignificant or any other negative emotion. They're the ones that leave you feeling physically ill or tense - maybe even with headaches or blotchy skin (almost like a food toxin's effect on you!) They are people that take more than they give, and are most often known to be the cause of "drama".

If you think this is the case do yourself a favour and cut them off from you.

Unfriend them on social media, delete their number, delete the pictures, avoid them, whatever helps you best remove them from your life (besides their untimely and suspicious death, obviously). Life is way too short to be around someone who makes you feel like less than you deserve.

Of course, we can't always cut off every toxic person from our lives. 

For instance, let's say you love your job but your boss constantly makes you feel underappreciated, insecure, or drained. There are several ways you could approach the issue.

1) You could avoid confrontation, keep your head down and continue to accept the negativity until it slowly eats away at your soul. This option could jeopardize both your physical and mental health by creating a chronically stressful situation for you.

2) You could communicate with your boss and let them know how they're making you feel, and suggest ways you could improve the situation. If it's just the relationship that's toxic, and not the person themselves, you may be able to use communication to improve the situation.

However this could have a backlash if the person themselves is toxic and they may feel threatened by your confrontation. Remember, you can't change a person.

3) You could quit the job, leave their negativity behind and jump into the waters of the great unknown. This is usually a last resort and is scary as hell to do but in the long run could lead to new opportunities and a healthier and happier life.

Making the choice to detox your relationships isn't always easy, but you need to make the right choice for you and your health. 

Take some time to evaluate your personal relationships. How does a certain person make you feel? Is there something you need to work on, or do you need to move on?

Respect yourself and set boundaries for those around you. Have the courage to communicate and confront toxic situations with the intention to create positive change.

If a person continuously causes you stress or pain, don't be afraid to limit your contact or cut them off completely. Accept that people can't be changed, and you can either love them as they are, or let them go. 

The choice is never easy, but the choice is yours. 

Namaste.

Brittany
@simplylynne

Tune in next week for the 3rd installment of our Living with Less Series: Detoxing Your Mind!


*Name changed for obvious reasons - you may know him!

3 Things I Learned in 2016

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They say that the older you get, the faster time goes by. If this is the case, then I feel like I'm 103 because it feels like yesterday it was summer when actually it's winter and it's almost 2017. What sorcery is this!?

Anyways, this time of year always makes me both excited and anxious because it'll be a new year, and - it'll be a new year. There will be new opportunities, new challenges, and a fresh start. Everyone wants to start the new year off on the right foot, but part of growth is learning from past mistakes. 

This includes the mistakes you made in 2016. For some of you, this may have been colouring your hair "silver", getting back with an ex who wasn't good for you, or saying something mean when you shouldn't have. 

This week, I'd like to share some of my worst mistakes  best lessons learned over the past year. 

1) You don't have to settle. 

This year some of my biggest struggles revolved around a toxic ex-roommate and feeling undervalued at my workplace. These are common struggles around the world and situations that I've dealt with in the past, but this year the outcome was different: I learned that I didn't have to settle and I decided not to. 

To clarify, compromising is necessary in life, but settling is a choice. This year I decided to choose happiness and put myself first, instead of settling with situations and people that left me miserable or feeling less than I deserve. 

This included saying goodbye to a childhood friend - the same friend that became my roommate from hell over 2 years due to her unresolved mental health issues. I also said goodbye to a city and job because I no longer felt like I was a valued employee. Neither of these decisions were easy to make as they affected me mentally, physically and financially, but they were decisions which had to be made if I was going to do what was best for me. 

While I don't have everything worked out yet, I know I made the right decisions for both situations because I felt relieved immediately after I made the choice not to settle. There's always a choice!

2) It's okay to move on.

If you followed my blog about a year ago, then you'll already know that I had been going through a difficult breakup some time ago (catch up here!). It's a breakup that haunted me for the past 2 years - not because it was a long relationship but because it was the first relationship where I really, truly loved someone and opened up to them. 

This relationship ended almost 2 years ago, but I was still holding onto it. It's not that I wasn't trying - I was seeing other people and open to someone new, but no one as good or real (for me) came along. That is until I met my current boyfriend. 

I knew he adored me long before we even started dating, and I knew he was great and we had a lot in common - but I wasn't going to allow myself to jump into anything I wasn't sure about. So we started hanging out in May and after 3 months of friendship, I really started seeing things in him that I hadn't had in any previous relationship; I started comparing my ex to him, instead of him to my ex. I realized that this was someone really special - someone that was never going to intentionally hurt me and was always going to put me first. 

So before we headed out on our first vacation together, I wrote my ex-boyfriend a letter. It was handwritten and sent via snail mail - after asking his mom for his address because he had blocked me on everything else. 

In the letter, I apologized for the mistakes I made while we were together and let him know that I forgave him for his mistakes. I let him know that while things ended badly, I wasn't angry anymore and wished him the best. 

This was me letting him go. I was after 2 difficult years, finally able to set myself free from the pain of losing us. I learned that it was okay to love my ex without it holding me back from new love. I learned that it was okay to move on.

3) Sometimes you need to be aggressive.

In the past, I've had a habit of letting certain situations or negative treatment from people slide because it was easier than confrontation (does anybody actually like confrontation??) However most often than not, I've kicked myself after a bad situation for the things I should have said or did. I regret not taking a bigger stand when it mattered or for standing up for myself when I felt disrespected.

I've learned that sometimes you need to be aggressive. I'm not talking about getting up in someone's face for no reason, or throwing punches - I'm talking about thoughtfully and respectfully telling someone off when need be, or standing up for what's right. Words are powerful tools which can be used to debate, persuade and discuss. They can be used to defend yourself or create change for a bad situation. 

This past year, I've been working on speaking out more. I reported a professor who was cutting classes, being disrespectful to students and not taking our education seriously - she ended up being replaced for the semester because multiple students spoke up. When more people stand up for what's right, society progresses. 

Another example was when I asked a previous employer for a raise. In previous part-time jobs, I accepted the minimum wage I was offered with no fuss because I was young and unsure of myself and the job system. I felt that minimum wage was acceptable for someone of my experience/education etc. 

This year however after graduating with my second diploma, and with several years of experience under my belt, I was no longer going to accept an intern's wages. So I decided to speak up and brought the issue up with my employer. 

The outcome was that I was offered a raise, but in the end it wasn't significant enough to be worth my time and effort (or anywhere near the cost of living in Toronto) so I left the job. While I didn't get the outcome I necessarily wanted, I did learn that I can create change when I speak up. I learned that sometimes you need to be aggressive and ready to fight for what you really want. 

Photo by Chris Amorim.

To sum it up, 2016 was a good year with some valuable lessons learned. I've learned the value of speaking up and have grown into a person that's allowing myself to move on when things don't go as planned, and only pursuing things in life that make me truly happy. I'll be taking these lessons into the future where I know my future self will benefit from these experiences and wisdom as I continue on my journey of personal growth - I hope you will too!

I'll be on holiday next week but will be back with new blog posts in the new year. In the meantime, I wish you all a happy and healthy holiday season. Cheers!

Brittany

@simplylynne

"The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself."
                                                                                                     - C. Joybell C.